genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
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This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there