new wife guy just dropped
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk