genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
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I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I’m already scared
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
No, he would not have.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.