genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
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Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“Why you watching this shit?”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March