Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
courtroom exchange of the day
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
This trial is so absurd 😭
#ParentingFacts
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.