Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
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Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I’m giving up for Lent.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?