Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
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My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.