Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
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[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food