Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
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“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
*pronounces UPS like yoops
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.