Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
You Might Also Like
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
yeah not falling for this one
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
This guy gets it.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?