Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
You Might Also Like
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.