I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Lmao
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?