Oh yeh? Explain this then
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Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I need this for my side hustle.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”