GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
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Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before