GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
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My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.