GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
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Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it