Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
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Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
respect
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.