Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
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CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
lol
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.