genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
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This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.