Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
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Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!