Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
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Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.