GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
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Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.