Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
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“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here