Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
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Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?