genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
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Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.