genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
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The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING