Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
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Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Friends that check up on you >
Lmao
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.