Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
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Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
yeet
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.