glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
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Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed