[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
You Might Also Like
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
How do you like your Corgi?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My boss called in sick of me
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
i- i did not expect this