Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
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I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
How can I say no to this ?
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad