15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
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I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Only short people can save us
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.