I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
You Might Also Like
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Real House Wines.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.