Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
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me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.