GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
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The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
courtroom exchange of the day
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.