genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
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Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.