Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
You Might Also Like
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*