@Chumpstring: genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
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@Ygrene: Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
@ojedge: [red carpet] "So Ryan, who are u with tonight?" Ryan Gosling [proudly] "My parents" [two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
@Marlebean: They say I'm too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY! -Ma'am, this is just a bake sale
@KKAlThani: Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "curiosity was here"
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