@theshantilly: "I know exactly how you feel." *staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

@ericsshadow: If your wife is a school crossing guard, you're missing a huge opportunity if you don't tell people she's into human trafficking.

@thepunningman: [two women sunbathing in garden] "It's so nice out here" "Where's that creepy guy who lives next door?" HEDGE "He's away for the weekend"

@illuminatedwndr: "Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account...?" hahahaha yeah, that'll go well

@davedittell: *takes load of groceries off of old woman's hands* these are mine now you old prune