genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
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Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god