[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
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Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training