So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
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You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes