GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors