Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
You Might Also Like
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.