Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
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Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf