“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”