[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
the clam before the storm
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot