*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
True
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.