*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.