*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
You Might Also Like
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
when someone compliments me
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Life cycle of cat
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I’m going to need a moment here.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back