*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
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Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
why isn’t he texting back
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
bears