[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
You Might Also Like
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
🙂🐾
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.